How to keep a relationship at a distance

More recently, love at a distance passed more in the category of exoticism. The most common reason for such a relationship was the draft of a young man to serve in the army, and the analysis of these same long distance relationships came down to the bravura song «After two winters I will serve as I should and return.»

But times have changed radically. Borders are erased, the world is becoming smaller, and we ourselves are becoming more mobile. And the situation where one of the partners lives in Moscow, and the other in St. Petersburg, London or New York, no longer seems out of the ordinary.

Good work, political preferences, and even a more suitable climate — there are more and more reasons for such love at a distance. Modern means of communication allow partners not only to hear, but also to see each other almost every minute. And high-speed trains and planes make it possible to meet, if not every weekend, at least once a month. In foreign psychology, a special term has already appeared — long-distance relationships (LDR), and researchers are increasingly studying the features of such relationships.

LOVE AT DISTANCE: NOT BETTER, BETTER?
At the same time, society, apparently in the old way, still does not believe in the possibility of any long love at a distance. And even more so in its usefulness. According to the journal Psychology Today, 56.6% of people consider distance relations less happy and stronger than usual. However, research data refute this opinion.

So, a group of American psychologists published an article based on in-depth surveys of 1142 people over 20 years old, consisting in relationships — both ordinary and remote. If you believe the data obtained, there are no fundamental differences in these two models of relations at all.

Participants were asked to rate satisfaction with their relationship in several key ways. These included the degree of intimacy, emotional involvement, quality of communication, and level of sexual satisfaction. And by none of these parameters partners living under one roof or just in one city could not surpass those shared by hundreds of kilometers.

Moreover, people in remote relations often found themselves even more satisfied with them. It sounds paradoxical, but psychologists explain this fact by the fact that a certain degree of idealization is inherent in love at a distance. And rare meetings of partners become real holidays, while lovers are spared from the everyday and often not too pleasant routine.

Is it possible to love from a distance?
TIPS FOR LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS
However, researchers are still far from unanimous in this matter. And the clinical psychologist Ben Michaelis, for example, sees idealization as the main danger of love from a distance. Such love is indeed like a prolonged honeymoon, he said. But sooner or later, any honeymoon ends. And people, accustomed to loving each other at a distance, come together — and are completely unprepared for the prose of life. To the very routine with which, at the very least, couples living together or near get used to cope.

Ben Michaelis is generally skeptical of distance love, although he does not undertake to completely deny it. What the title of his article eloquently speaks of: «Why distance relations never work (except when they still work).» For those who believe in themselves and their partner and want to keep love in spite of distances, the psychologist is ready to give three important tips.

1. Set priorities and get really included
Your distance relations should be more important for you than most social connections that are “at hand”. It can be difficult, how difficult it is to stay at home and wait for your loved one to leave on Skype when friends and girlfriends call you to the cinema or to the club. But it is necessary for such a relationship. Moreover, brief meetings are often not enough to get to know each other really deeply, and not one of the opportunities for communication should be neglected.

2. Do not lock in each other
Of course, having finally met a loved one, the temptation is great to shut up with him at home or in a hotel for all the time allotted to you — and let the whole world wait. But this is a mistake. Use the meeting time to introduce your partner to your family and friends — or to meet his or her close ones.

We are greatly determined by our social circle. And if these circles for partners remain secret behind seven seals, then there is no need to talk about serious and reliable relations.

3. Plan for the future
No matter how far you are separated, and no matter how long your distance relationships last, they cannot and should not last forever. They should be considered as temporary. And plan the future that will come when you finally do not need to travel hundreds of kilometers to meet. This gives the relationship a perspective and an incentive for development.